Parenting is Not For Sissies: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure

(This is an excerpt from an excellent Empowering Parents article on how to handle the monumental task of keeping your teenager safe when they walk out the door. As I’m finding with my 18-year old (now invisible) daughter, it’s as important to make peace with what you aren’t responsible for as with what you are.)

Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Parenting-Teens-Parental-Authority-Vs-Peer-Pressure.php?&key=Adolescent-And-Teen-Behavior

It’s one of the hardest things parents deal with: even if you’re trying to raise your child the right way, as soon as he walks out the door, you know he’s going to be exposed to all sorts of negative—even dangerous—influences. From dress to attitude to a popular culture that says it’s cool to drink and do drugs, parents have every right to be concerned. Are you afraid to send your child out the door? In this insightful one–on–one interview, James Lehman gives you some honest advice.

JL: Like it or not, adolescents often gravitate toward the very things you fear and dislike. Your child doesn’t do this to annoy you; he’s doing it because his friends are doing it and because that’s the developmental stage he’s in. It’s a simple fact that even before your child hits the pre–teen years, he begins to pull away from you. Unfortunately, one of the primary ways he may do this is by engaging in behaviors you dislike. Suddenly, you see your 13–year–old daughter’s clothing and style morph into something age–inappropriate—or you notice that your shy 15–year–old son has started listening to music with violent or rude lyrics.

It’s important to remember that, as an adolescent, your child is learning how to be part of a group—and he’s terrified of not fitting in. Kids learn that to go along with others, you either enjoy what they’re doing or learn to hide your true feelings as a way to get by. And don’t forget, functionally, adolescents don’t want to just “get by” with their friends; they want to be popular and well–liked. In fact, the drive to be popular is probably the core value of most adolescents—and they often simply don’t realize what shaky ground they’re standing on when they take on that value.

Fitting into a group drives your teen’s development and defines who he is. Resisting authority makes him feel like an individual because he’s reaffirming who he is by resisting an outside influence. And in this case, you are the outside influence your child is resisting. Get ready, because if you don’t like something, he’s going to like it even more. Listening to music you don’t like feeds into his feeling of individuation—his sense of wanting to become his own individual. It’s not necessarily that he wants you to dislike his music, but if you do, that’s fine with him. The same thing happens with clothes, movies, and pop culture. The downside to that is that in our culture today, adolescents have access to very dangerous things—like drugs and alcohol—to a much greater degree than teens did 50 years ago. And that access gets easier as time goes on. Every year, younger and younger children can get drugs and alcohol. In my years of working with kids in high school, they would brag to me that they could get anything they wanted. And I’d question them. I’d say, “You mean like sleeping pills and barbiturates? Pain pills?” And they would answer, “Yeah, and heroin, crystal meth and coke.” Needless to say, these are very dangerous drugs—drugs where if you slip up and use too much, you die. Not only are they highly addictive, they’re fatal.

I think that children aren’t ready for that kind of temptation, and if their friends are doing it, they’re very much at risk. Now, in most areas, the peer pressure is not about hard drugs. In fact, I believe some of the peer pressure is against hard drugs. But certainly there’s a lot of pressure to use the drugs that kids see as “soft”: pot, ecstasy, and pharmaceuticals. And I want to clarify that I personally don’t see those substances as soft drugs—this is just how kids have presented the information to me.

So what’s going on in your child’s head? He thinks that nobody understands him but his peers. He thinks his parents are old–fashioned. He doesn’t like parental authority at this stage in his life. It’s an age where he’s actively looking for reasons to reject adults. Many times he’ll think, “If my parents believe something or like it, it’s automatically wrong.” Or he shrugs off whatever you say. All of these things factor into his readiness to test you, push the limits, and discard the opinions and insights of adults. You’ll find that you can hardly even give your adolescent child compliments—much less constructive criticism—without getting a defiant retort.

EP: How much control do you have over the things to which your child is exposed?

JL: I think it’s important to understand that you have no control over what your children are exposed to when they leave for the day. I mean, if you drive them to school during the school year, then they won’t be exposed to stuff on the school bus. But make no mistake, they’re exposed to whatever happens once they get there. If they go to an all–boys or an all–girls school, then they won’t be exposed to the opposite sex there, and that’s a choice many parents make. There are some things you can manage, but basically if your child lives in the world, your child will be exposed to the world. And unfortunately, it’s the same world you and I are exposed to, even though kids don’t have the mental capacity or maturity level that we have to deal with it. It’s a risky proposition, and I understand that.

So the only secondary control you have is through the beliefs, values, and morals that you teach to your kids. As a parent, you hope they’re going to make good decisions and that those values will exert some force opposing the negative influences out there. But each child is different, just like each adult is different, and there’s nothing you can do about that. Personally, I think parents expect too much of themselves if they think their own behavior in the home will prevent their child from making any mistakes in life.

Listen, I understand that it’s the most vulnerable thing in the world to know that your child is out there alone making decisions, some of which may be life–threatening. I’m not only talking about drug and alcohol use, but also decisions about shoplifting, risky sexual behavior, and who your child talks to online. And make no bones about it, if your child is committing crimes, he’s going to be arrested for them, and when he turns 18, he will be tried as an adult. Believe me, that’s going to affect him for the rest of their his life.

So parents have every reason to be concerned and worried, and to feel vulnerable. There’s nothing you can do except run a home where values are promoted and talked about. Don’t get into fights about it with your child—just keep your values clear. Values like “If you cop out with drugs and alcohol, you’ll miss the things you need to learn.”

There really are no easy answers. The idea of letting a child out into the world filled with dangers is a parent’s worst nightmare. One of the reasons it’s so hard is because you’re powerless over your kids. You spend all these years protecting your kids; you’re ready to jump in front of a bus to save them, but when the day comes when they do something risky, you’re powerless over it. It’s awful, but parenting is not for sissies.

I think the best thing you can do as a parent is to recognize your own limitations and learn how to be more effective if you can. And then really put a lot into those areas where it matters and keep role modeling.

Advertisement

Managing Anger at Your Teen

“Anger destroys the vessel that carries it.” ~ Dr. James Sutton, child and adolescent psychologist

This is an excellent article by Dr. James Sutton on how parents’ anger at their teenage children can markedly affect the quality of their relationship. I know there are a few parents out there who might benefit from reading it (smile).

---

“Managing Anger (OURS)”

http://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/anger-and-defiance/managing-anger-ours/

Often, the difficulties that come between parents and their defiant children can be reduced by the parents if they will make the effort. One of these difficulties is anger, an emotion that throws up more road blocks to relationships than any other entity.

I receive a lot of email from parents. Anger at their children is a common theme. I’ve also seen it in my office. Anger is extremely counterproductive to the process of healing and the re-establishment of a working relationship. Anger verifies and often “feeds” defiant behavior, making it worse.

I understand the anger; I can identify with it as a parent. But anger is like a huge tree that has fallen onto a railroad track. It’s going to stop trains in both directions. All progress comes to a halt until someone gets the tree off the track.

Who’s going to move the tree? You can wait on your defiant youngster to move it. (Good luck on that one.)

Psychologist Dr. Hew Len teaches about “limits” that exist between individuals and serve to choke out the relationship. (Limits, and how to manage them, is a central theme in my new book, The Changing Behavior Book.) Staying angry is one huge limit. Here are three components of resolving anger (and other limits as well) I compiled after learning of Dr. Hew Len’s work:

1. True peace and change begin with me. Anger ultimately destroys the vessel that carries it. Although anger has short-term benefits, it produces devastating long-term pain and difficulty. No one should wait for others to ease their anger.
2. I cannot pass off in blame what is my responsibility to change. This takes a ton of courage and self-examination, but it’s so powerful.
3. I must clear away (clean) the limits that exist between me and others. In other words, it takes more than recognizing the limits are there and that I created many of them; I must take the active step to remove as many of them as I can.

Reference: Vitale, J., Hew Len, I., Zero limits. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2007.

As a child and adolescent psychologist and former Special Education teacher, Dr. James Sutton has great compassion for young people, especially those who struggle. He is in demand for his expertise on emotionally and behaviorally troubled youngsters and his skill for speaking, writing and training on this subject. His monthly publication, the ODD Management Digest, is available at no cost through his website, www.DocSpeak.com.

And…She’s OFF!

Well, it’s finally happened. My daughter turned 18. The age of consent. The age of responsibility.  She can vote, go to war, pay taxes – do pretty much whatever her little autonomous heart desires, as long as it doesn’t hurt her or anybody else.

When you ask the parent of an 18-year-old how it feels to have one, you’ll get a myriad of answers – and you’ll hear different answers from the same parents, depending on the day.

Speaking as a seasoned mother of 18 years, so far it’s been a heck of a ride.

Since the Big Birthday, I’ve run the gambit of emotion: excitement, relief, disbelief (“Jeez, I’m old!”), tears, and celebration.

Then night falls, worry sets in, GPS tracking is activated, and the confusion about exactly how much control I have over this new “adult” begins.

“Mr. Google” and I have done much surfing on this topic of late.  My house=my rules seems to be the usual parental mantra.

But everyone makes that sound so easy. intellectually, it’s a simple concept to grasp: when someone lives in my home, they follow my rules. But throw a rebellious teen into the equation and all bets are off.

So, I wrote them up – the newly-revised expectations of my daughter — rules for when she’s in the house and rules for when she’s not. 

And since she’s primarily OUT of the house, there they stay – the House Rules – posted prominently on the fridge being completely ignored (read unseen) by my new vagabond.

But she’s 18, so my only recourse is to tell her to get her own place, right?

But what if she can’t afford her own place? And there’s the fact that I’m still unsure she’ll even keep herself safe in the world, because she’s made some really unwise choices in the recent past. What if her inexperience makes her vulnerable and she puts her life in danger?

Welcome to my world at 3 a.m.

After much agonizing (come to me, Advil), I realize my angst and sense of powerlessness are the result of fear and sadness — fear that I can no longer keep my daughter safe, and sadness that she doesn’t need me to.

The reality is, she has taken flight, and I’ve got to let go.

It’s more than a transition – it’s a paradigm shift – no longer seeing my kid as a child but as an adult, responsible for her actions, her time, her job, her future. I’m more or less out of the loop. And that’s really, really weird.

But as emotional as it all is, she’s doing remarkably well for a “newborn.” She has not one but two jobs, her own checking account, a healthy sense of self-confidence, and is sailing with (what I hope is) a strong moral compass.

She also has a safe car with GPS, AAA, and a bottle of pepper spray  – all compliments of Mom and Step-Pop.

We’re helping her build a safety toolkit, knowing once it’s in place we’ll rest easier as we watch her successfully “launch”.

But these dang mood swings are running me. Naps, bubble baths, and the basketball Finals (NBA, take me away) are helping soothe this savage Mom-beast, but I think the only real antidote will be seeing her survive and thrive over time.

And, independent or not, with the help of satellite technology, Big Mother will still be watching.

 

Best Kept Secret – Middle College High Schools

“The world is yours, as well as ours, but in the last analysis, it is yours. You young people, full of vigor and vitality, are in  the bloom of life, like the sun at eight or nine in the morning. Our hope is placed in you.” – Anonymous

We recently attended a presentation by the school district on middle college, a topic I think important enough to share with parents of teens.

A middle college high school (or MCHS) is a secondary high school located on a community college campus.

These schools are the greatest thing going, developed in part thanks to funding from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation (always did LOVE Windows.) Their primary mission is to prepare kids for college, beginning as early as the ninth grade – at no cost to parents!

Students attend tuition-free college courses while simultaneously completing their high school credits, with full access to all facilities on the college campus.

A student entering middle college high school in the 9th grade can graduate from high school with over 30 completed college units, walking off into their bright, shiny future with  a diploma and well on their way to a college degree. Talk about getting a head start!

And did I mention tuition-free classes?

MOM LIKE! MOM LIKE!

Middle college high schools have relatively low enrollment numbers, usually less than 100 per grade level. This creates a smaller student body and a more focused, nurturing academic environment – one that may not be as readily found on a high school campus.

Once an application is submitted to the MCHS, an assessment is conducted for each applicant to determine college-readiness. GPA, focus, enthusiasm and academic commitment are all taken into consideration.

My 15-year old recently applied to an MCHS in our area. His 4.2 GPA (yep, really), among other notable characteristics, qualifies him for admission. This past weekend, we attended his initial interview with the middle college staff.

I will write about his interview in my next post. It was really quite something…

For more information on middle college high schools in your area, click on the link below:

http://www.mcnc.us/our-schools/

---

Catching Fireflies

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER…

I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the “good” living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”
There would have been more “I love you’s” and more “I’m sorry’s”
. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back.”

–Erma Bombeck  

 

I’ve shot tons of video of my kids, but I’ve always known I wouldn’t watch them.  Because theoretically, the people on the screen no longer exist, and that makes me really sad.

Earlier tonight, my 15 1/2 year old played an old video of himself and his sister as little towheads, catching lightning bugs with their cousins at their grandparents’ house.

God, they were beautiful.

Their excitement was so genuine it brought tears to my eyes. They were completely immersed in the moment.

I listened to the younger version of myself talking to them, giggling when they squealed, and laughing as they screamed with delight when Mom caught a firefly, too.

As I watched, I found myself wondering if, on that beautiful Midwest summer night, I had appreciated the magic I witnessed. Did I realize how lucky I was to be able to pick up those beautiful babies, kiss those sweet cheeks and swing them around until they begged me to stop?

I cherish my children at every age, but I deeply miss when they were small. I’ve always known how fast they would grow, and made the effort to BE PRESENT at every moment. I’m grateful that I did, because the only emotion I hate more than nostalgia is regret.

I move through the sadness by discovering what I love outside of motherhood, what I’m passionate about, and what I want to accomplish in the second half of my life. I’m also grateful to bear witness to the emergence of two talented, compassionate, amazing young adults. There is Life After Mommy.

Tomorrow, perhaps I’ll write about how often my now-teenage children have me reaching for my gi-normous bottle of Advil.

But tonight, I think I’ll cry and catch fireflies. 

---

Tips on Handling Teenage Rebellion – Epilogue

Yesterday I shared a WebMD article about how to handle typical teenage rebellion. Here are the last two of five tips. Don’t know about you, but I took something positive away from all of them!

By Christina Frank
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Varnada Karriem, MD

Teen Behavior Problem 4:

Hanging Out with Kids You Don’t Like

You wince every time your son traipses through the door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Your Solution

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids, says Bartell, who advises parents to hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids’ friends. “Teenagers are so attached to their friends that it’s like criticizing them directly.”

On the other hand, if you know that your child has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. “Without putting him on the defensive, tell your child you’re concerned about who he’s hanging out with and that you’re worried he’s doing drugs,” says Bartell. While you can’t forbid your child to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Teen Behavior Problem 5:

Everything’s a Drama

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door.

Part of being a teenager is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Your Solution

Parents tend to trivialize the importance of things in teenagers’ lives, says Bartell: “What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously.”

Don’t offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she’ll see how silly high school romances are. “Just listen and sympathize,” says Bartell. And put yourself in her position — because, after all, you were once there yourself.

Tips on Handling Teenage Rebellion

I found this article on WebMD that resonated with me. Recognize anyone you know?

By Christina Frank
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Varnada Karriem, MD

To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting a teenager was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it’s tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your teenager will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow.

Dream on.

Teenagers are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their parents, says Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children’s Hospital in Boston. “Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively,” he explains. “It’s the task of the teenager to fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.”

But that doesn’t mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Teen Behavior Problem 1:

Your Teen Seems To Hate You

One minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you’ll see that you’ve been through this before, when she was a toddler — only instead of shouting “no!” like a two-year-old would, a teenager simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

“It’s so hard for parents when this happens,” says Nadine Kaslow, PhD, a psychologist specializing in kids and families at Emory University in Atlanta. “But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their parents in order to find their own identities.” Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

Your Solution

Sometimes parents feel so hurt by their teens’ treatment that they respond by returning the rejection — which is a mistake. “Teenagers know that they still need their parents even if they can’t admit it,” says Goldman. “The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they’re feeling internally.” As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.

But no one’s saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” By letting your teenager know that you’re here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he’ll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

Teen Behavior Problem 2:

Communication Devices Rule Their Lives

It’s ironic that teenage forms of communication like instant messaging, texting, and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today’s world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. “Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens,” says Goldman.

Your Solution

Look at the big picture, advises Susan Bartell, PhD, an adolescent psychologist in New York. If your child is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it’s probably best to “lay off.” It’s also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no “texting” or cell phone calls during dinner. Some parents prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your child does when he’s online, particularly if he or she is using networking sites like Twitter and Facebook. You still own the home and computer — so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Teen Behavior Problem 3:

Staying Out Too Late

It’s 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again?

“Part of what teens do is test limits,” explains Goldman. “But the fact is that they actually want limits, so parents need to keep setting them.”

Your Solution

Do some research before insisting that your child respect your curfew because it’s possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few of your kids’ friends’ parents and find out when they expect their kids home. Goldman suggests giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences — such as no going out at night for a week.

If it seems like your child is staying out late because she’s up to no good, or doesn’t feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what’s typical in your teen’s crowd, then it’s time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can’t bluff teenagers — they will always call you on it.

Part II of “Tips on Handling Teenage Rebellion” can be found here.

Note from teenparentcafe: For additional peace of mind when your teen is out of your sight, see my post on GPS tracking.

Appa Juice Bottle, Peez

Recently, my 18 year old daughter and I were texting about sadness. I was feeling a little down, and she’d been feeling blue for weeks. We were both aware that our sadness was intensified because it was dark outside (I tell my kids to sleep on their worries because solutions are easier to see by the light of day.)

She suggested that when she got home, we cuddle, watch a movie and be sad together, then added a private saying we’ve shared since she was two:

“Appa Juice Bottle, Peez”.

When she was little she loved drinking apple juice from a bottle. She would drink “apple juice bottles” at times when she was relaxed and content, so this little phrase became synonymous with going to her Happy Place.

I love that at age 18 she still wants to squirrel away with Mom and “be girls,” talk about boys, relationships, weird stuff she’s going through, share her fears about leaving childhood behind, and giggle at silly pictures on her blog. At these times, we exist in our own little bubble, outside of time and worry.

As I read her sweet text, I was struck with an acute awareness that I’d been struggling with some melancholy myself.

It starts gradually in the evening. My husband and I will have enjoyed a nice dinner out, walk into the dark, quiet house (though far from lonely with our six cats, a dog and a rabbit) and I’ll be struck by the contrast between now and the days when SpongeBob was blasting from the TV and every fifth word was “Mom!”

I love the quiet — when it’s just my husband and I, curling up, covered in purring kitties, watching Mad Men on DVD. As a parent, it’s one of the things you look forward to – using your free time to do whatever you want. No karate lessons, rushing off to soccer practice, or getting after kids who are up past their bedtime.

But in a weird way, it’s not having to do these things that’s sad. It’s what the quiet house represents – that Empty Nest is fast approaching.

Since I became pregnant with my oldest child, it’s been all about motherhood. My children’s well-being has been at the heart of every choice, decision, and purchase I’ve made.

A good deal of my income was spent on things like childcare, Happy Meals, and new shoes every two months. I dealt with more dirty clothes, homework assignments, and skinned knees than I can possibly count. Neighborhood moms talking about motherhood while watching their kids play together was a nightly routine in our Rockwellian world.

But that’s changed as the years have passed. Now, my daughter’s 18 and my son is 15 1/2, old enough to get his Driver’s Permit, with a 4.3 GPA and a fantastic attitude towards academics. On top of these things he’s also just landed his first job.

So they’re big kids now. Young adults. No more time outs, Nick Toons, swimming lessons, or mac and cheese. They get themselves dressed, make their own meals (usually), and have their own house keys.

They don’t need a “Mommy” anymore. 

Enter sadness.

So, how does a woman who has functioned primarily as “Mom” for 18 years breathe new life into her sense of purpose?

Volunteering for a local non-profits, managing projects, building websites, and planning events has helped ease the transition. I’ve been able to channel some of that good “mothering” energy into productive projects that help other people. It doesn’t replace being “Mom”, but it helps me feel needed.

Still, I get sad.

So, while I can, I’ll treasure the cuddles with my “little girl” while watching A Knight’s Tale in the dark, with happy kitties draped over our legs, solving the problems of our world, and sharing whatever else might come to mind. 

I know my kids are growing up. But for now…

Appa juice bottle, peez. 

---

teenparentcafe’s “Guide to Raising Someone Else’s Kids”–Part III

And…we’re back! Time for the third and final installment of What the Heck Do I Do Now  “teenparentcafe’s ‘Guide to Raising Someone Else’s Kids”.

In our previous two articles, we discussed worry over whether your stepchildren will like you, children requesting secrecy between parents, and your role as disciplinarian in your new family.

So what do you do when you dislike your spouse’s ex, or disagree with them (your spouse) on how best to discipline the kids? Here’s how we choose to deal:

What if I have issues with my spouse’s ex?

I don’t care if you hate their guts and wish them banished to the lower levels of Hades – when face-to-face with your stepchildren’s other parent, always say hello and BE CIVIL. We learned the hard way never to talk negatively about the ex- within earshot of the kids. This has seriously backfired.

It may seem impossible to hold your tongue or keep from sneering, especially if you’ve had recent confrontations with the other parent. Nevertheless – in front of the kids, we “suck it up” and be grown-ups.  We’ve had some experience with this (and a fair bit of therapy), so we’re confident sharing this little pearl of step-wisdom.

With practice, it’s gotten easier. Kids want permission to love all of their parents. Seeing you get along can ease the stress of the divorce.  

Do it for the kids.

What if my husband and I disagree on how best to raise our kids?

In our experience, it’s important that parents come to an understanding about the role of the stepparent in the home early on. If these conversations don’t take place (there’ll be more than one), you’re setting yourself up for a world o’ hurt.

As I mentioned in teenparentcafe’s “Guide to Raising Someone Else’s Kids, Part II,” we decided that in our family it worked best for me (the biological parent in our case) to take sole responsibility for discipline in the household. Pseudo-Pop (my kids’ pet name for their Stepdad) primarily supports my position and reminds the kids of why the rule was put in place to begin with.

Sometimes – we disagree on my disciplinary decisions. Once I shake off my shock that he would ever disagree with me (KIDDING), we take the discussion into a room where the kids are not, and hash it out. We’re usually able to come to an understanding with a minimum amount of conflict by approaching the situation as unemotionally as possible and being empathetic to each other’s position.

We incorporate this strategy into all of our conversations, especially when dealing with confrontation. We find it works particularly well when dealing with child-rearing issues.

Of course, this is an ongoing effort. Just take it One Day At A Time.

The issues we’ve presented in this three-part series are just the tip of the iceberg. You’ll have your own list.

We’ve learned that a family is a living, breathing thing – one that’ll change many times and call on you to be flexible, patient (bolded that one for emphasis) and have an open mind.

The theme of your new family’s life together could be as cheerful as The Brady Bunch if you talk to each other, be clear on your roles, and…

HAVE FUN BUILDING YOUR OWN FAMILY HISTORY!

 

 

 

 

teenparentcafe’s “Guide to Raising Someone Else’s Kids”– Part II

When a parent remarries, a new family is born. Caring for a “newborn” calls for flexibility, an ocean of love, and a lot of sleep.

“Raising someone else’s kids” will try your patience in a thousand ways you didn’t expect.

According to our very own Pseudo-Pop (my kids’ pet name for their stepfather), a lot of questions go through your mind as a new stepparent. Maybe some of these ring true for you, too:

Will the kids like me?

Ah, there’s a question. Everyone wants to be liked, especially when they’re anxious to impress. But getting to know somebody takes time. You can’t expect the kids to like you instantaneously. Like a fine wine, relationships have to b-r-e-a-t-h-e for awhile.

We were lucky in our case, because the kids and my husband hit it off well from the start. But that isn’t always the case.

Though we generally get along famously, there are times when it’s hard for my husband to play the role of Pseudo-Pop. Specifically, he loves and adores our daughter, yet sometimes feels he gets about as much recognition from her as she might give a phantom limb. There are days he’s ignored when he walks in the door and overlooked when the daily “have a good days” are dispensed.

She often tells her Pseudo-Pop that she loves him, but occasionally has been known to dismiss him by saying, “This is between me and my Mom so stay out of it!”

OUCH.

This is a ongoing “step-thorn” we’re trying to extract.

It could be that this is residue from unresolved anger playing itself out, or just garden-variety teenage rudeness. Whatever the cause, it’s unacceptable and we’re working to correct it.

What if my step-kids confide in me about risky behavior?

“Please don’t tell Mom!”

There are certain “secrets” that can be kept confidential between the kids and one parent (“girl” talk, “guy” talk, Birds and Bees stuff that they’re not comfortable talking about with the parent of the opposite gender), but when their safety is at stake, these secrets need to be revealed to both parents.

My husband is honored that the kids trust him enough to confide in him about actions that could get them into trouble, but this has occasionally put him in an awkward position.

He has figured out a way of dealing with it that’s been fairly successful. He explains that there are no secrets between him and their Mom, but that he doesn’t have to be the one to tell her, as long as they will. He also offers to be there with them to help “soften the blow” by explaining to me that they came to him with the information first.

So far this strategy has worked out well, though thankfully there have only been a couple of occasions where it was an issue (at least, as far as we know).

Oops, we’re out of time! To be continued tomorrow…